Your Orders are to SLOWDANCE!
by Epyon the Bored
Summary: It's absolute perversity as 18yearold Integra can't find a date to the prom, and is forced to resort to ordering Alucard to take her out. But then Pantless Paul comes with Bad Eva Pun. And all of Integra's virgin crapLIES! Oneshot.


Well, here it is! My first Hellsing fic, and probably only, not counting the already-planned sequel. A humor fic, naturally, seeing as that's the only thing I'm good at!

Now, if you're totally against sexual humor, leave the building now, or prepare for death by nosebleed. If you are for sexual humor, go check out NERV Psych Ward, as that's all it is, plus a corny battle scene.

Seriously, this thing isn't too bad. However, I find that you have to have a fairly graphic mind to appreciate this fiction. Now, forget about a mindless God of Epyon's blabbering and move on to…

Hellsing

Your Orders Are to SLOWDANCE!

A mindless oneshot

18-year-old Integral Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing (God, that's a long name!) slammed down the phone.

"Dammit! Why doesn't anyone want to go out with me?"

The door to her office creaked open, admitting Walter C. Dornhez, her butler.

"Is everything alright, Sir Hellsing?"

"No, Walter, everything is NOT allright!" she screamed, blowing away Walter's ponytail. "The prom is tomorrow, and I don't have a date!" she shouted, still in 'Hell's Wrath' mode. "And the plant is talking to me again! I don't understand! I'm kind (She thought back to the time in tenth grade when she threw a wad of thousand-pound notes at a zit-faced boy who had been making rude gestures at her. He was subsequently mowed down by a stream of silver bullets.), I'm smart (She pointed at a report card pockmarked with E's and D's), and I have great sex appeal!" She started her left hand on her incredibly slim hips, moving it up to her virtually nonexistent waist, then to her 20-inch chest projection, and finally through her long, silky, golden hair (Yes, people, the author HAS slept with Sir Hellsing.), thus giving Walter a nosebleed, and, if the author wrote that correctly, almost every fanboy reading this.

"Well, Sir Hellsing," Walter began, wiping the blood pouring from his nose away with the head of a strange Vatican Vampire spy he got from who knows where, "There is one person who you could conceivably get to go out with you. In fact, he's sleeping in the basement right know."

"You don't mean…"

"Exactly."

A develish grin spread across Integra's mug.

"Walter."

"Yes, Sir Hellsing?"

"Commence operation: Slowdance!"

(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)

"ALUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHD!"

In a gloomy room, in the basement of Hellsing HQ, lit only by a few candles and furnished only by a chair and table with a bucket on it, a massive black coffin bearing the sinister inscription 'If they have no blood, then let them eat diesel oil'.

At the sound of Integra's call, the coffin lid slowly swung open, and out rose a vampire, stiff as a board. He was a tall vampire, about 6'8, in a red trench coat and matching wide-brimmed hat, although one side was pushed up considerably. Thick black hair and orange sunglasses topped off the figure that would be very impressive if not for the fact that the vampire was still waking up, and had eye goobers all over his face.

With a great moan, the vampire stuck i's gloved hand into it's mouth and pulled, bringing it's jaw down to about crotch level.

With another massive moan, the vampire reached into the bucket on the table and tossed the blood bag that had previously resided in the ice bucket into it's mouth, the vampire's massive jaws snapping shut as it swallowed.

'GAG'

The vampire fell to the floor on it's hands and knees, coughing up acidic saliva until a slimy blood bag fell onto the floor with a splat. The entire process was not unlike a cat with a hairball.

"ALUCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHD!"

The second scream stopped him for a few seconds.

"Stupid bitch." He muttered, ripping open the blood packet, draining its contents. He then turned into a swarm of bats and flew out the door, making twenty-six guards piss their pants and pray to god, some of them even taking up his special suicide offer, as he stormed up to Integra's office.

He morphed back into humanoid form at the top of the stairs and morphed back into a humanoid, stalking into Integra's office and giving her the finger just before she turned away from the window and was able to see him. He was careful about his insults, seeing as they could result in castration, the only thing he could not recover from. He remembered his old pall Incognito, who now ran around naked out of shame of loss.

"Your orders, Master?"

"Alucard, your orders are to SLOWDANCE!"  
'cricket cricket'

clunk'

'WAAAAH! WAAAAH!'

"Umm… could you please elaborate on that?"

"In a nutshell," The Hellsing commander explained "You are to take me out to the prom."

"But I graduated 571 years ago!"

"Is something wrong?" Integra frowned at Alucard.

Alucard's glasses began to twitch, along with the rest of his face

"Master. I. Am. A. Vicious. Bloodsucking. Creature. Of. Night. I. Do. Not. Dance."

"Oh, yes you do." Integra smiled.

"No I do not." He sharply replied.

"OH YES YOU DO!" Integra hissed, giving him the 'I'm Blackmailing you' vicious grin (Whoops! Almost wrote 'Groin' there!). She turned her laptop to face Alucard and hit the 'play' button.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Alucard's girly scream resonated throughout the base.

Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)

Walter sliced open the door with his trusty piano wire and raced into Sir Integra's office, followed by about 50 armed guards.

"Alucard!" Walter yelled, skidding to a stop.

The sight before him was hideous. Alucard was cowering in a corner, while sir Integra was grinning like a cheshire cat, while her laptop played a video file of…No, it's too hideous!

Okay, okay.

It showed a black, six-eyed dog slowdancing with Helena. The dog then licked Helena with it's massive tongue, causing the female vampire to giggle.

Walter and all 50 soldiers blacked out, leaving trails of blood where their heads used to be.

(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)

"Ha ha ha ha!" Integra cackled like something out of Macbeth. "And unless you want me to release the tape of you showering that PROVES you're a girl, YOU WILL SLOWDANCE!"

(Divider)(God, I'm getting sick of writing these dividers.)(Divider)

After (A) proving to Integra that he was, in fact, male by means of kinky sex and (B)selecting his favorite ascot, Alucard downed another bag of blood or ten, then went back to sleep in his coffin, awaiting the horrors of taking Interga out.

(Divider)(Still sick of writing in Divider)(Divider)(Divider)(Divider)

On the night of the prom, Alucard overslept. He had drunken too much bloodwine, Walter suspected, so that he could get out of Date Duty, but to no avail. But we don't really need to try and confirm that, do we, class?

Anyway, Integra stormed into Alucard's room and ordered him to strip. THAT got him moving.

NOTE:_ NEW DIVIDER! _Yadayadyadayadayadyaydayadayadayadayadayadayadayadayadayada…

Later, at the prom, Integra glided into the dark ballroom in an incredibly lowcut blue dress that showed her every curve, eliciting a collective wolf whistle from the male population, and a responsive 'WHACK' from the female population.

"Bastard." She hissed. "He's late."

The vampire in question fazed in, wearing his usual attire, minus trench coat and hat, and flashed a grin at all the girls, causing the Massive Faint of Whatever-the-Hell-High-School-Integra-Goes-To Prom.

"You're late!" Integra hissed in his ear."And couldn't you get a new outfit?"

"What are you talking about?" he said indignantly. "I had this completely re-sown with the finest Chinese silk!" He winced. "Walter did it. You have NO idea how painful it is to have your clothes held together by piano wire."

"Hey, Integra!" called one of the girls, "Where did ya get THAT hottie?"

"What a MAN!" sighed another.

"I own him!" Integra told the other girls.

"COOL!"

Alocard's eyes widened and a gay smile came to his lips when the music started. "You, let's dance!" he lauged, pulling Integra out onto the dance floor.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" NO! THE AUTHOR CAN'T SAY IT! AH HA HA HA HA …

Oh, okay. Alucard's favorite song was (Drumroll)…

Yakusoku Wa Iranai (Escaflowne theme song).

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…

After the song ended and the author regained his composure, Alucard slouched off the dance floor.

"Get back here, you!" Integra hissed, pulling him back onto the dance floor.

"No."

"Listen, next is Ballad of Fallen Angels (Alucard's face lit up) and then God of Sky Master (His face fell again). After that you can leave."

"Oh, okay."

A few hundred feet away, from behind a door, the author and his date, Rei Ayanami, sat watching the couple.

"Epyon, I do not believe this is right."

"It's not, Rei, but I'm running out of idea's for fanfictions."

"Very well, sir."

After the aforementioned songs finished, the pair stalked out of the room, only to have Alucard hear the next selection and pull Integra back in.

"Alucard, what are you doing?"

"Please, master, it's Rain. I love this song!" our vicious vampire friend gave his master the six-puppy-eyes.

"Oh, okay."

_Waaaaaaaaaalk_

_Iiin the raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin_

_Iiin the raiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin_

_Iiin the reign of blood_

Wait. Reign of Blood? That doesn't sound right. Oh, wait, it's NOT right.

Just then, a completely naked vampire, covered only by a spot of gore for decency, jumped in through the window, attacking everybody but Alucard, Integra, and the principal in the room. Unsurprisingly, they all turned into ghouls.

"Kids these days." The principal muttered before running for his life.

"Hahahahahahaha!" the cheesy, naked vampire laughed an incredibly sucky evil laugh. "I am Pantless Paul! All will bow before me, the supreme vampire!"

(BANG BANG BANG)

Three silver bullets ripped out of a 454 Casull, shredding Pantless Paul's head, which then popped back into place.

"Haha!" he laughed, still unable to compare to the pure evil of Alucard's laugh (And Integra's plant in her office was having a nice conversation with a cigarette lighter). "I see you have a good aim! Well, so do I!" Pantless Paul shouted, pulling out a massive gun that looked like a big (Censored). He pulled the trigger, and a massive spray of Bakelite (and just WHERE did Pantless Paul get Bakelite?) erupted, freezing Integra in place. Paul then threw a cross, which slid down the back on Integra's shirt. You know, this is really starting to sound like Evangelion (Probably because THE AUTHOR IS DOING A MAJOR PUN HERE!).

"You…YOU BASTARD!" Alucard screamed, ripping off his own pants.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pantless Paul's girly scream rang throughout the dance hall as the monstrosity contained within Alucard's pants was released in an instant.

"It…It's massive…I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!" Paul screamed, cowering in a corner as Alucard evaporated into a storm of black shit that seemed intent on forming six-eyed dogs that seemed intent on biting off Paul's (Censored).

Well, the dogs succeed, and Paul disintegrated into a cloud of howling sand and (Censored).

"He was a good vampire," sighed Alucard "But he was working for the wrong people."

Alucard proceeded to shoot the Bakelite off of Integra and fished the cross out of her dress, which caused it to fall apart from the waist up, giving Alucard the world's most vicious hand mark on his cheek.

Later…

Alucard and Integra sat on the bench in a quiet little park that was owned by Integra's rich school. They had been named Prom King & Queen, simply because (A) Alucard feared castration and hekd the Casull up to the principle's head until he agreed, and there was no one else to give the positions to.

"Well, Alucard," Integra said, very seriously "I enjoyed our evening."

"As did I," Alucard agreed. "I haven't had this much fun since my prom 700 years ago."

"What happened then?"

"My brother, Crampula, and I had a duel as to who got to (A) take Helena out and (B) take Helena's virginity afterwards."

"How did that go?"

"Oh, Crampula just can't have (Censored) any more."

(WHACK)

The two stared deeply into each other's eyes as the hand mark on Alucard's cheek swelled to the size of Eurasia, and started making out like drunk French people (Eeeeeeeeew…!).

"Well, Alucard, what do we do now?"

"Well, we can forget that happened, or we can have kinky sex like Luke and Jan would if they could actually get girlfriends."

"I vote for kinky sex."

"As you wish, my master."

Alucard scooped Integra up into his arms and carried her off to his '77 Vega, which was trying to withstand the force of having sex occur in the backseat, while the author was up front, thinking about plans for the sequel:

_Hellsing Wing: Endless Waltz!_

Joyful, joyful.

The End!

(Actually, that's a flat-out lie. The Author intends to have a sequel out sometime later, but now he want's to finish NERV Psych Ward.)

YAY! I survived! And if anyone want's to start up a collection so we can buy Paul some pants, feel free.

Okay, I cant think of a funny author's note, so I'll just go to sleep now. Bye-Bye!"

God of Epyon.


End file.
